


In your arms

by heytherehowareyou



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:53:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heytherehowareyou/pseuds/heytherehowareyou
Summary: Dean gets jealous and tells cas how he feels but that doesnt end up the way dean thought i would.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 18





	In your arms

Lately cas has been going out way more that usual , which makes dean worry that he might do something stupid. When Dean asks him where he is going he answers with a simple ‘’I'm meeting a friend'’. That makes things even worse in dean’s head who can't stop thinking about who that friend might be and why are they always with cas.The angel always had a big and generous heart but sometimes he can get a little bit naive and even though dean always found that cute now he’s scared that by doing something that might seem like a good idea he could die, and trust me when i say this,dean couldn't lose him again. 

Dean of course couldn't talk about his concerns with no one , especially Sam who looked way too relaxed about this situation. He could potentially talk to cas , after all he was his best friend and he was just asking because he was worried about him , right? of course not. He'd just stay in his room all day, reading and doing things that hunters do.’’ Stop thinking about it man’’he’ll repeat himself ‘’ your name isn't george to be this curious’’. 

Sometimes , and when i say sometimes i mean almost everytime cas would go out with his ‘’friend’’, dean would stay in his room waiting for him to come home ‘’ this is what best friends do’’ he would say to try to convince himself. Then when he’d hear footsteps he would come out and go to the kitchen to drink some water but in reality he just wanted to check on cas.Usually they would ‘’randomly’’ meet in the hallway , dean would check cas from head to toes with a quick look just to be sure that he was entirely there and not missing a foot or an arm and then he would greet him with an ‘’ hey man’’ and cas would reply with a soft ‘’dean’’. Dean loves hearing his name being called by castiel, they way those soft pink lips pronounced it always made dean get goosebumps. After their really really small talk the hunter would go in his room close the door and then his eyes and just stand there in silence for a minute thinking how stupid he was for acting like a 12 year old. 

Dean was waiting him for the second time that week repeating to himself that that was the last time. The hours would pass and cas was nowhere to be seen which resulted with Dean falling asleep. The next morning he got up all concerned , he rushed to the kitchen where he saw his brother making breakfast and cas sitting in one of the chairs. He felt so much calmer when he finally had his angel in front of him, he took a deep breath and entered the kitchen. ‘’ ‘Morning’’ he said and the others said it back. ‘’ Cas I see you came home late last night huh’’ Dean asked the angels while eating the breakfast Sam made for him. ‘’ I did’’ he replied and dean took another bite ‘’ but how do you know that?’’ cas continued. Dean almost choked on his pancakes ‘’ I...You...You know….I….. Ehm…’’ how could he possibly confess that he was waiting for him and that he was doing that for the past 2 months.Sam found this really entairnening and would look first at cas and then at dean continually to receive as much information from their reactions. But then he stopped and stared at cas with his eyes and mouth opening in a big O shape

‘’Cas? Cas omg is that a hickey?’’

Dean’s face got red so fast it was actually embracing ‘’ Where?’’ cas asked while touching his neck ‘’ oh, yes,i suppose it is’’ he continued when he found the spot.

Sam was laughing out loud which made Dean so furious that made him want to scream at him to stop laughing because that wasn't funny at all. But of course he couldn't do that ,he had to keep his cool and act like he didn't actually care because his angel wasn't actually His. ‘’Dude i see you had fun last night. Just use protection and be careful not to make an angel baby.’’ Before Cas could speak, Dean said again ‘’ AND I DON'T MEAN YOUR ANGEL BLADE’’. Dean screaming had cas rise an eyebrow which made the hunter think that he was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen . ‘’ Dean, I know what you mean with protection dont worry about it’’ he said. ‘’ Also I don't that can happen both our vessels are male’’ Dean’s mouth opened making an ‘’oh’’ sound. I bet you had fun, Sam said laughing.

Sam continued talking with cas about some random lore but Dean couldn't hear them. So does that mean cas likes boys?or just angels? He couldn't stop thinking about it , he did not have an appetite all of the sudden. He stood up and told them he was going for a drive and before Sam could respond he was out of the bunker. 

He got into the car and started driving, without a particular destination, he just needed some time to think. He didn't even want to listen to his music so he thought he'd listen to the radio.The radio channel that was on was one of those that the modern kids would hear and even though he hated them he decided not change it, he didn't actually care this time , his mind was in a different place and music was the least of his concerns. Sufjan stevens’ mystery of love started playing and for some reason that caught Dean's interest. ‘’The first time that you touched me

Oh, will wonders ever cease?’’ is this what kids nowadays listen to, he thought. ‘’Hold your hands upon my head

Till I breathe my last breath’’ the song continued. Fuck this song he said holding his tears and changed channel. That didn't make it better because the next song was amber run’s i found. ‘’But I missed you more than I thought I would’’ Dean now was crying, thinking about all the times he had lost his cas. How painful it was,how his heart hurt in a way it hadn't before,he thought about all the times he wished he could see cas’ eyes again and hear him speak and hear him say his name, oh dean really loved when cas said his name because it sounded like a lullaby. ‘’ whyy ,why do i feel this way. why.’’ he couldn't stop crying. ‘’And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be

Right in front of me

Talk some sense to me’’ this was wrong he thought , cas is his best friend and he surely doesn't feel the same dean does because he's an angel , he has seen so many things that deans small brain couldn't even imagine, so how could he like someone so useless and broken like dean. 

He returned home after many hours, Sam was waiting for him worried. His brother noticed his red eyes but didn't say anything so he let him go to his room. 

The next day Dean found a letter under fis door and thought that it was really weird. He opened it without a second of doubt. it was from sam.

dear dean,

_ this is really weird for me to do , i dont think ive ever written you a letter. But anyways i left you this because i don't want to wake you up , you looked tired last night. I went to Jody's because she needed help. DON'T YOU DARE COME. It's just a werewolf thing, Jody said she could do it herself because Alex got the flu last week and as a consequence everyone in the house got it too so she asked my help.Oh also Donna is going to be there too. she said she would love to help me with the case so please dont worry and dont feel the need to come. _

_ Dean i've seen how weird you've been acting these past weeks and i'm worried about you.Last night i got so worried but i think i know now.I think i know now why you left and why you’ve been acting so weird. Honestly i always kinda knew mostly because i have eyes and i and i can see how you stare at each other. But Dean doesn't try to hide your feelings, you deserve happiness in every form possible. And if he’s your happiness please don't waste another day without telling him. Remember how happy you felt when he came back after Lucifer had killed him? It was the first time I had ever seen you that happy since... forever. You guys deserve each other and I’m sure he feels the same way about you. The way he looks at you reminds me of the way i look at eileen and i don't consider eileen just my best friend…. Whatever you do know that I'm proud of you and I love you. Use these days to think about it.  _

_ ps.i took baby  _

Dean thought about the things Sam said for days. He tried to convince himself that he didn't actually have feelings for him, but then he'd remember how safe he felt everytime Cas touched him. He felt so confused and broken. He finally decided that cas was just his best friend and nothing more and that he got jealous just because he was used to having cas just for them. 

4 days after Sam was gone , Cas returned. Dean was so surprised when he saw him and also very embarrassed ,if casknew about everything that Dean had been thinking about those past few days, what would he say?. They talked for a little bit about cas'angel case that he was working on since dean had last seen him. 

It was late and Dean had to go to sleep, not because he had to but but he couldn't resist standing so close to Cas anymore, his smell was driving him crazy , he couldnt stop staring at cas’ lips that looked so soft enough to solve every single one of Dean's problems . And those hands, dean would dream about cas holding him with those hands , the same hands that pulled him out of hell. 

He got up and said goodnight ,the thoughts were driving him crazy. As he was going to enter his room he turned around thinking ‘’Don't waste another day’’. He rushed in the living room where they were before , and there he was , standing at the same position as before

‘’hey’’

‘’dean? Is everything okay?ì’’

‘’ Yes, but i have to tell you something’’

dean looked down and then up again 

‘’Cas, I hope you're happy with that other angel and i hope he makes you happy even if a part of me wishes i could be him. But I need to say it cas i have to. Ever since you pulled me out of hell, knowing you have changed me. You make me a better person cas. But I'm not good for you. I know that,I'm broken and I destroy everything I have and believe me when I say that I'd rather die than see you suffer for me . I wish we could have met in other circumstances maybe in a tropical country where the sun would kiss our skin and make your eyes even more blue. ‘’ he took a big breath ‘’ Sometimes I'd dream of us , we'd be in the impala talking,you'd tell me about how God created the world and I'd listen to you admiring every inch of your beautiful smile.I wish i could hold your hand and kiss it, i wish i could whisper to you that you're mine and only mine. But You are clearly not and that is okay because loving someone, sometimes means letting them go. I think I love you cas,and I think I always will. And I don't need you to say it back because i've learnt not to expect anything from this life.’’

They just stared at each other for a few minutes that Dean seemed like hours, he was crying and shaking. He had never been this open about his feelings before and then cas disappeared ….just like that he was gone...leaving him alone with the echo of his words surrounding him and his heart screaming why.

  
  


The next day sam returned but dean couldn't go to greet him ,his feet couldn't hold him no more. He felt his heart heavy with emptiness ,and his mind foul with words that he wished he could listen cas say.He didn't have any more tears to cry ,he felt numb,his whole body felt cold. Why did i even do that, im so stupid imsofucking stupid how could i think an angel could love me , how could anfucking angel of the lord love dean winchester, a loser ,a soldier that is only good to kill?

Sam felt guilty, he truly didn't expect cas to be so coldhearted , he thought he knew him. He tried to call him ,the first times he would just leave confused voicemails asking him to explain what happened and why he just disappeared but then the voicemails became louder and louder , sam was angry, sam was angry for his brother. 

The 7th day dean decided to stand up and start living again or at least try to. He went to the bathroom and had a shower ,he even tried to eat but after a few spoons of cereal he rushed to the bathroom to throw up. 

As he was returning to his room he heard the voice he so hard had tried to forget.’’dean’’ he said and dean froze. His name at cas’ mouth didn't feel like a prayer or a lullaby anymore but like poison.

‘’ I don't want you here’’ dean said and closed his eyes because looking at him was too painful 

‘’dean please…’’

‘’keep my name out of your mouth’’

‘’just listen for a second’’

‘’just lis….are you serious? I opened up to you about what I felt and you left me there,alone. You didn't say anything , nothing! i know i'm not the best human being but i at least deserve an explanation’’

‘’ That's why i'm here for, please can you come with me for a second ,please’’ cas said putting his hand in front of dean.’’please’’ and dean took his hand.

A weird feeling crossed his body as he realized that he wasn't in the bunker anymore. He Looked Around trying to identify the place, he knew he had been there before but still the place didn't ring a bell. Then from the corner of his eye he spotted a figure , and when he turned around he almost felt sick seeing bobby standing in front of him. He looked...alive.Dean wanted to hug him and tell him he misses him so much and that ever since he died he doesn't actually know what he's doing. When He opened his mouth to call him another figure appeared behind Bobby,a man much younger , someone who locked broken and lost and confused and angry, so angry. But Dean could still see hope in the man's face and he wished he could have said to him that the hope , that tiny bit of hope he still carries in his heart and soul will eventually go away ,and the only thing that will remain is emptiness. 

And then all clicked….

‘’is this….’’ he tried to say before castiel interrupted him

‘’ Yes, this is the night we met, i wanted to show you something’’

Dean looked confused but then it happened again. All the emotions and feelings Dean had felt the first time he had seen cas in that barn years ago,he felt them again. He felt that peace again that he felt the first time. He looks different, he thought 

‘’why are we here’’ he asked 

and as the scene of them meeting went on in front of their eyes cas continued

‘’ This isn't the first time we actually met. We met in hell. Your soul dean ,when i dragged you out of there was so heavy with guilt and pain…. i think that's the first time i felt what i now feel about humanity. Holding you and dragging you out of there made me see all your dreams and hopes, even the ones that you thought were not possible , and Dean , it touched me so much that I thought I had made something wrong. No angel should feel that way for a human.’’

no angel should feel that way for a human dean repeated to himself 

‘’and then we met. And I saw you , the whole you , and I thought that this is God's biggest accomplishment, humans, not the moon ,not the stars, not earth ,humans.’’

cas took deans hand ‘’ come’’ he said softly

and the next thing Dean sees is purgatory. And the same thing that happened in the barn happened here too, he felt the same pureness he had felt the first time he was there. 

‘’ I hated it here. I hated that I had to leave you alone ,I still do. When we ended up here is when I realised how much your safety meant and still does to me. I didn't care about me getting caught or killed,i cared about you and your safety.Thats why i decided to stay here because I didn't deserve you and your concern and attention when I was and still am responsible for most of your problems’’

dean felt bad for cas 

‘’ Cas ,man, you’re not just an angel to me and Sam, you're our family. How could you think that. I was so mad at myself,i thought i let you down,i thought it was my fault.I couldn't forgive myself.’’

‘’Dean…’’ cas said and took dean’s hand again

  
  


When Dean Opened his eyes he realized he was in the impala driving with cas next to him. The smell of the leather he always loved always meant home to him. The impala in a way or another was his home and family, she was there when no one was, not john, not sam,not cas. She probably knew more about him than Dean knew about himself. 

‘’Where are we going’’ dean asked

‘’No destination,just driving’’

‘’Okay’’

The road was wet from the rain , Cas seemed to like the rain, his eyes were looking at the sky and that made the blue of his eyes darker than usual but still beautiful. Dean Wanted to hate him , he wanted to hate cas with every single fibre of his body. But how could he when he looks like that , when he looks like everything he has ever wished for. Dean still had a hard time understanding what was the purpose of these ‘trips’ but he knew it was nothing good. He probably just wants to say that he sees him as a friend and all this was just for making it easier. Dean wanted to cry.

‘’ I always admired you dean. When we met I thought we were very similar. We both were raised to be soldiers and we had to follow the rules others gave us . You decided to make your own rulers and not follow your father’s and i … I wish I could do it too. I guess i somewhat did but i wish it had happened sooner. I Wish I had been more brave.

You said I changed you dean , but in reality you changed me first, you gave me a reason to fight about , you cared about me, and you considered me your family even after all the times I failed you. You dean are the most caring and empathetic and important person i know , and you make me want to be better. I thought i had a family but it was when i met you that i realized what that really means , what family really means, what love really means.

I love you , in every way possible, I loved you when others told me to hate you and I loved you when my brain told me to hate you.

I love you and loved you and always will.’’

Dean pulled over,he hadn't spoken at all , it all seemed like a dream to him. He has to be joking right? He thought. 

‘’Why? Why are you telling me this after a week. Cas i… i hated you for doing that to me.’’

‘’ I know, I hated me too. I had to talk to Micah , he deserved to know that he could never have me, not in the way you did...do. Also I needed some time to think. I always thought that the love i felt was only one sided so when you told me you loved me i thought it was a joke. I’m sorry dean, i'm so sorry’’

‘’ i understand’’

‘’Do you still hate me’’

‘’ i could never’’

Dean cupped cas’ face.

‘’ I wanted to take everything back, say that it was a joke to make you laugh but … but when i said it, when i finally said it , i felt so free.’’

  
  


Cas smiled 

‘’ I love you’’

And the distance between them closed, making the open wounds close too. The stars were shining just for them that day.. All those tears and heartbreaks lead to that exact moment. They could hear each other's heart and feel each other's love. They knew that all that happiness would go away one day but at that moment they didn't care , they were happy , they were safe in eachothers arms. 


End file.
